Every time I read a posting like this, I want to rejoice and weep all at the same time. If our life together {Si’s and mine} has been one thing, it is unplanned. This is not to say we didn’t have plans, for we certainly did! Our plans had to do with jobs and vacations and cars and houses and financial stability. Doesn’t having children require all these things, including the initial childless travelling adventures? We thought so, and we had plans for it all.
And God had other plans, namely little E. I’ve discussed this a bit before in the context of learning to be content, which is a struggle I’ve found to be greatest when life has not been according to my plans.
What I haven’t mentioned at all is the joy that can be found in the unplanned life. Here I am, 4.5 years after that “surprise” second red line {for that is the true starting line of parenthood}, and I think only now am I beginning to understand the significance of it all.
In E., God had His way with us using a means I would never have imagined. And we have learned more about struggle and heartache and disappointment than I ever thought possible, especially in such a short period of time. But we also are learning to rejoice in the smallest of small daily events, a first word or first step, something that never could have happened in a life cluttered with the world’s goods and missing our two beautiful children.
Because God made us parents while we kicked at the goads, we have been changed. We even live in a different city and Si has a different job. But more importantly, we are different people.
Slowly, we are learning to let go of our control. For us, that’s what birth control really was {and is!}, especially in the beginning. It was a means of control, a shaking our fists at the Almighty and refusing Him rights to intervene in our lives. We liked them the way they were, thank you. We wanted to walk in faith in some areas, but not all.
And God had mercy on us. He turned the tables on us while our hearts were still hardened {if you can believe it, I actually apologized to Si, telling him I thought that, by getting pregnant, I had ruined his life}. Reminds me of the verse…While we were yet sinners…God knows the appropriate teaching tools for each of His children, and little E. was the best lesson He could have given us.
So now, I am learning {slowly} to rejoice in the unplanned life. God delights to conform His children to the likeness of His Firstborn, and the unplanned areas are signs that He is working. As painful as it can be, it is a sign of His love that He is caring for me, that He is teaching me, that He is not as far away as I sometimes think.
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