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    When He Doesn’t Want One {Yet}

    March 14, 2006 by Brandy Vencel

    I had a friend approach me recently concerning her husband’s desire to wait to have children. They’ve been waiting. But he wants to keep on waiting, and she wants to start trying. She doesn’t read this blog. She’s never read my afterthoughts on birth control. She was simply a friend without children asking a friend with children what to do.

    I decided to post my answer because I realized that my birth control series, along with my long list of opinions on issues such as the dominion mandate could leave some readers in a similar predicament. Or at least it could if anyone chanced to agree with my analysis.

    Anyhow, my suggestion to this friend was two-fold: submit, and then study motherhood. As much as I have previously argued that it is a woman’s design to bear children, Scripture makes it clear that it is also a woman’s design to submit. I don’t think usurping a husband’s authority in this matter would be cause for long-term marital happiness. And constantly nagging a husband isn’t going to cause him to warm to the idea of the pitter-patter of little feet, since the mere debate over having them creates in some women a combative attitude toward said husband.

    Anyhow, the submit part, in my opinion, is a given, and very sensible. But the study of motherhood part is what I hope this friend takes to heart.

    I am not old enough nor experienced enough to teach this friend or any other friend to be a good mom, because two young children does not begin to make one an expert. But I’ve reflected enough to have a couple regrets.

    In my opinion, my friend has a unique opportunity. She feels the calling of motherhood upon her, and she knows with certainty that it is at least two more years away, if not more. There are so many books on parenting, so many tasks she can master before her children are born. And I can’t help but think that if her husband begins to see all the positive aspects of her transformation into motherhood, he might acquiesce to her request sooner than planned.

    The question I asked her in my reply was simple: What kind of mom do you want to be? And then I told her to pursue it now. If she wants to sew her daughter’s spring dress, she needs to learn to do it now, because there is little time with a newborn to learn these things. If she wants to bake 100 different kinds of cookies, experiment with them now.

    Giving birth does not magically make a woman the kind of mother she pictures herself being. Character and skill do not happen by accident. But a couple years of hard work could bring about both, and when that baby is finally born {or adopted}, the title SuperMom could well be an understatement, and I will be the one clamouring for lessons from her!


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