Thoughts on “Me Time”

Sallie wrote a bit concerning that phenomena known among women as “me time” today as an introduction to her new poll. Cindy also discussed “me time” in the context of Facebook back in January, and raised quite a ruckus {and I’m sure she appreciates me bringing it back up}. “Me time” seems to be a topic in the many battles of the mommy wars, right up there with breastfeeding/bottle feeding and scheduled/demand feeding.

I have a few thoughts on “me time” that I was going to write as a comment on Sallie’s blog and it turned into a post, so here they are.

Defining “Me Time”

I think sometimes reasonable people think they disagree when they don’t because we don’t bother to define our terms. For instance, in the comments of Cindy’s post, for instance, one mother mentioned that in her past she had qualified eating and showering as “me time.” I would say that such things are not what is meant by “me time” within popular culture {as expressed by BabyCenter.com or Parents Magazine}.

The articles that I have read over the years are referring to time spent in pursuing the self. I don’t mean this disparagingly, by the way. It is just the only way I know how to put it. The idea is that Mother have time to do whatever it is she wants to do, whatever she is interested in, and so on. Some women have “girl night” or “mom’s night out” for this purpose. Other women just like to get out alone and run a few errands without having to buckle four car seats {ahem}. These things are not inherently selfish or harmful, but please note that they are outside the normal duties of motherhood, wifehood, as well as the normal realms of hygiene and so on.

To Need or Not To Need, That is the Question

Before I start, I think I should mention that I do not consider the spiritual disciplines to be part of “me time.” They are time spent doing what a human was created first and foremost to do, glorify our Creator. Now, if I insisted that I needed five hours per day of uninterrupted spiritual activity, there would be something wrong with this picture because I would be spiritualizing the neglect of the duties entrusted to me by God. But very few people are extreme like this, and reading our Bibles and praying and so on is a natural and necessary part of a life lived well.

I have heard both introverts and extroverts call “me time” a need. I am really, really hesitant to call it a need, even though I have reached times in motherhood where I was just about ready to throw in the towel, and I also have parents who sometimes call me and tell me they are coming to get my children when they see that I am reaching my end {like on a high-discipline day}.

I think of “me time” in the same categories as I do mandatory date nights and vacations. I have heard many people talk about how stressful life is and how they need a vacation.

My thought here is that we are settling for second best, which at the same time puts us at a disadvantage. What we really need is something above and beyond all of these things {in my opinion–this is just what I think I’ve learned, not something explicit in Scripture}. And not having this other thing we need brings us to a point of desperation where we think we need something more immediately accessible, like “me time” or a date night or a vacation. And because we are desperate, we have trouble truly enjoying those nice things when we actually get them, plus we are grumps when we don’t get them.

The Nature of the Need

The real need here is a rediscovery of the art of living. As our post-industrial culture has immersed itself in technology, the art has been lost, and despair sets in. Technology allows us to get a lot more done in a lot less time in a far less satisfying way.

To go back to the comments in Cindy’s post, I remember that there was one commenter there who was raised Mennonite. Think almost-Amish, with the long black dresses and the horse-drawn carriage. She compared their society to ours. Can you imagine an Amish woman demanding “me time”? Probably not. I certainly can’t. We tend to hold up these groups and act like they are this special type of people, more self-less, more generous, more sacrificial, and so on. One thing we might be missing is that they don’t demand such things because they have created a life that is actually livable, day in and day out.

The Mennonite/Amish life does not consist of iPhones, computers, or microwaves. It isn’t full of rushing from T-ball to ballet to soccer to home {which is a place only for sleeping}. There is no rush-hour traffic, no blaring television, no noisy radio.

All of these things about our culture that I listed aren’t necessarily bad, but they make up a life that, when all put together, most of us find unbearable and unsatisfying.

And we want to escape it.

Better Off?

Of course I can’t write a post without plugging one book or another, so might I suggest reading Better Off?This book espouses what author Eric Brende calls the “Minimite” lifestyle: the least amount of technology to give the maximum amount of benefit. Within the pages, I’ve been discovering a lot of “technology” in the form of tools that I didn’t know existed. Tools that are satisfying to the mind, the eye, and the soul. Technology which eases what would otherwise be a difficult life without eclipsing any of its joys.

Brende writes:

Since when had the Millers abstained from technology? The evidence was everywhere and inescapable: the cultivators, the buggies, the canning equipment, the countless other basic utensils and implements. Evidently technology itself was not taboo, only technologies that interfered with this plain sect’s aims. Put positively, our neighbors chose devices they thought would benefit them–the minimum necessary to maximize their ends.

Building a Livable Life

Early on in my motherhood journey, I wanted out. I was completely overwhelmed. I’d like to say it got easier after a year or two of experience, but actually having two children was even harder, at least until that second child was one. And then, as I began to read, I discovered that things didn’t have to be so unbearable. Our life needed certain things in it in order to be the sort of life we were happy with. My life at home with the children {without Si} needed: more discipline, better work ethic, more time outside in the sun, purpose, structure, laughter, good books shared aloud, contentment, a garden, homemade music, the list goes on. It also needed less: less television, less noise, running of errands, eating out, women’s weekday Bible studies, sloth, focus on money {or lack thereof}, keeping up with far too many old acquaintances, and so on. This is my personal list. I don’t know what other people need and I don’t pretend to.

What I thought I needed at the time was a housekeeper, babysitter, and Starbucks, which is to say things that I thought could help me keep my typical modern life going. But I was wrong in the sense that those things would only help me maintain a life that I didn’t actually find livable.

Well, perhaps I wasn’t wrong about the Starbucks.

But I digress.

Many Hands Make Light Work

Wherever I have read about the Amish and other Plain People, the saying many hands make light work comes up. These groups tend to work collectively. Of course, so do factory-workers. But Plain People tend to live integrated lives, so work is also fun is also social. Conversely, simple jobs that have no need for “many hands” are work and also enjoyable tasks that leave room for prayer and personal ruminations. The life itself has more downtime than I ever imagined from a people who spend their whole lives tilling the soil. It is said that one of the favorite activities of the Amish is to “go visiting.” I also remembering about a couple who met twice daily to milk cows together. It was the Amish-version of a date night. Sharing a task can, as Eric Brende explains about manual labor in general, once mastered, allow the mind to soar away to great heights. In fact, Brende goes to far as to say this labor is liberating to the mind while also good for the body.

But the concept of many hands can also be extended to the difficult times in life. Even the Amish have hard times. A barn burns down, there is death in the family, bad things happen to good people, right? Well, self-sustaining communities are also bonded together in a way foreign to highly technological societies. In those hard times, neighbors will show up and help you. Food will arrive. Comfort will be given. If your barn burned, all the men in the neighborhood will raise you a new one.

Simple lives are quiet lives, leaving room for an introvert like me to naturally have time to think. Simple lives have space in them, I guess I could say.

What next?

Time is better spent pursuing a livable life. Paring down and simplifying leaves room for naturally-occurring “me time” if that is what we must call it {I hate the phrase, personally, but it seems to have stuck over the years}. This is probably the most overlooked aspect of homeschooling. It naturally lends itself to a simple life. The children and parents aren’t racing daily to and from school, to and from extra-curriculars. There aren’t pressures on the children to keep up with the technological life. And so on.

I look forward to reading what Eric Brende has to say about living a plain life. I’ve only read the first third of the book so far. Si finds it interesting that the back of the book explains that Mr. Brende has degrees from Yale, Washburn, and MIL, yet he “makes his living as a rickshaw driver and a soap maker.”